Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit, Come with your Fire

On Sunday we celebrated Pentecost... the coming of the Holy Spirit over the apostles along with 3,000 disciples. 

This day was always and I am sure still is a day of rejoicing for Dad. If you knew Dad then you saw clearly the fire of the Holy Spirit within him, burning brightly with his smile, peaceful nature, and prayerful wisdom.

The Holy Spirit manifested itself in my life early on too -- before birth to be exact, as Mom tells the story that while praying with someone she felt something "leap" in her womb even before she knew she was pregnant with me.  My childhood was filled with prayer meetings, Charismatic Renewal conferences, laying of hands, praying in tongues and lots of rejoicing in the Lord.  To me, this was "normal."   So, when asked as a floundering college student if I wanted to go to a Life in the Spirit Seminar I said, "sure, why not?"  Little did I know how much that experience would draw me back to a childhood love of the Lord that I had misplaced somewhere along the way.  My heart was opened more fully to the gifts already given to me through my Baptism and Confirmation... More on this in another blog post. 

I don't know about you but for me saying the Novena was really difficult. I glanced at for about two seconds and put it down and I confess didn't say the daily prayers at all.  It wasn't that I was trying to revolt against the Holy Spirit or my faith but realized I am carrying around quite a bit of anger (which everyone says is normal).
Through the ebb and flow of my day my anger rises and falls.  I believe through Dad's death my faith has only gotten stronger.  I don't hate the Lord or want to scream at Him -- instead I am given comfort by Him and his unwavering love for my family.  But I am really just angry with Dad. When this anger rises up inside of me I immediately think of how much this anger must pain Dad and I say, "It is okay, Dad, I know, I understand, It is okay." I am constantly saying, "it is okay" throughout the day partly because Dad suffered enough already that I don't want him to feel any more pain (even though if he is in Heaven the Lord promises you will feel no more pain or suffering).  But I still wonder... even in Heaven can you feel sadness over choices you made? Can you have remorse or sorrow?  I wonder...

I leave you with this list... a list of titles of the Holy Spirit I found on Dad's hard drive that he typed out.  When I close my eyes I can see Dad saying these words out-loud rejoicing:

You are the Dove, Spirit of Adoption, Wind, Consoler, Convicter, Fire, First Installment, Purifier, Refiner, Seal, Living Water, Illuminator, Indwelling Presence of God, Spirit of Truth, Spirit who raised us Jesus from the dead, Transformer, Master of Prayer, Advocate, Endower of Charisms, Cloud, Promise of the Father, Power from on High, Unifier, Guide, Our Intercessor, Spirit of the LIving God, Spirit of Fear of the Lord/Wonder and Awe, Spirit of Piety, Spirit of Wisdom, Spirit of Knowledge, Spirit of Understanding, Spirit of Counsel/Right Judgment, Spirit of Fortitude/Courage, Reminder, Spirit of Glory, Tutor, Spirit of Hope