Abandon or Abandonment? I will go for the latter.

I spent this past weekend with great friends celebrating the upcoming marriage of our dear friend Clare. We were tourists in Boston for the day (although don't tell anyone but we mostly just looked in clothing stores), we had an incredible dinner at the Wayside Inn, stayed at their Carriage House Hotel overnight, and then had a grand brunch there the next morning.  While at brunch we met a couple sitting behind us celebrating their 57th wedding anniversary.  They were so cute together and chatted with us for quite some time.

I was struck by their gentleness toward the other. It was a real gift for all of us to see. 

That evening I went to church. The plan was to go in the AM all together but clearly getting the opportunity to sleep in because the kids were home won out! 

Mass can be hard now that Dad isn't here.  It is a place where I have lots of moments to really pray and think. During the week I kind of run away from this and distract myself in any way possible, clearly running from my feelings. I think about him constantly and in the quiet moments of prayer and reflection his face immediately pops into my mind and a real sadness takes over me.  Half the time tears will be going down my face and I will be worried that someone might see me.  

That very thing happened again this past evening at Mass. I was doing fine and then the cantor started singing the song, "Make me a Channel of Your Peace" and well, I kind of started to lose it. The last few words, "In giving to all we receive, in dying we are restored to eternal life" was what struck me.  I have heard this song a zillion times -- I thank going to a Franciscan High School for that. I thought, "Wow Dad! You were such a Franciscan at heart!" Dad gave of his life to serve others and to share the words of hope that Jesus Christ gave to all of us -- that we might die but by God's eternal love for us we pray that we too will be "restored to eternal life."

During the midst of this intense moment the elderly little Filipino man sitting next to me probably thought I was a little nuts, but how much of a great blessing this little man was to me last night. I will get to that later.

The First Reading was Exodus 17:3-7.  Basically the Israelites were not happy campers -- they felt abandoned by God and didn't understand why they had to leave Egypt. They had no water or food and were left feeling (they thought) completely alone.

I was looking over Dad's Bible study notes and he did a whole section on this very chapter of Exodus. I thought it interesting that in his notes he wrote, "C.S. Lewis, the fatal word, 'Encore.'" How I wish Dad had written more than just a little note on this! So, of course I googled  this phrase since clearly I am not a C.S. Lewis guru like Dad was. In Lewis' last work (published after his death) he wrote letters to a friend about prayer. He said, "Greed. Instead of saying, ‘This also is Thou,’ one may say the fatal word Encore." Well, clearly I wish Dad was here right now because I would say, "Dad, can you explain what the heck that means??" But I can't and I am definitely not going to try to give my own interpretation. I found though this one thing online from an author that I thought made some good sense of it. Basically that by constantly asking God for an encore all the time we are not really seeing what God has already given us -- thus making us greedy.

This is where the whole abandonment thing comes in. I thought to myself, I could feel abandoned by God for allowing Dad to die. But, I think deep down I know that as much as I might feel in a desert (like the Israelites), I know in my heart that the Lord has not abandoned me and if I just abandon myself to let go and give all my sadness to Him that there will be great freedom in that. That instead of feeling alone and lost I will feel part of a community filled with others who probably are struggling with the same exact thing -- that when we are hurting we just want to be alone but God will never let us be alone, ever! This was confirmed for me when the little Filipino man standing next to me outstretched his hand for me to hold it during the Lord's prayer. We are not alone!

Birthday

My Dad and Me 

It has finally happened. I was told it would take a bit of time and well, here I am. The reality of Dad not being with us has finally started to really sink in. The first couple of months have been kind of a haze -- coasting on auto pilot to get through the days. It has been a few weeks since I have looked extensively at pictures of Dad. I thought I was doing okay and then well, three weeks later I am filled with such sorrow.

Dad (second from left) with his brother's.

I was looking for just the right picture for this post because it is Dad's birthday today. And when I have to look at a picture instead of give him a hug, a funny card, a birthday gift, and help him eat the delicious cake most likely purchased from Konditor Meister it makes it even more real that he is not here anymore. But I know and I believe he is in our hearts. Ugh, but on a day like this it just isn't the same!

My two little one's have already discussed how Didi (Croatian for Grandfather) is going to have cake with Jesus and eat tons of it! That image alone makes me laugh out loud. When asked, "How old is Didi Mommy??" I said, "He will be 58." The response, "Oh Mommy, they are going to have to put a lot of candles on his cake!"

There are a lot of "supposed to be's" flying around in my head lately and celebrating Dad's birthday is a big one.

Gabrielle, Mom, and Dad 

Dad and Nick 

I chatted about it with the girls and made sure they were okay with it and we decided to make cards, get some pretty flowers and go to Didi's grave. Oh and of course cupcakes too and have a pretend cupcake with Didi. The girls thought this was the best idea ever (I think partly because they knew they were getting a cupcake) but nevertheless Didi will still have a party and we will honor him this year and let him know we love him endlessly, pray for him daily, and are forever touched by the man he was and the man he now is with the Lord in Heaven.

I find myself trusting in God's plan more each day.  Instead of tirelessly trying to figure out the "Why" in all this, I am seeing more clearly the "How" in how God wants to redeem this for His Glory.

Just tonight I was looking at files in the folder labeled "DMT -2007."  One of the files in that folder was called "Trusting."  I clicked on it and there were different quotes from authors on trust.  This poem touched my heart deeply.  I think I would save it in a file called "trust" just like Dad did if I came across it.  Simply Beautiful.

But God

I know not, but God knows;

Oh, blessed rest from fear!

All my unfolding days

To Him are plain and clear.

Each anxious, puzzled “Why?”

From doubt or dread that grows,

Finds answer in this thought:

I know not, but He knows.

I cannot, but God can;

Oh, balm for all my care!

The burden that I drop

His hand will lift and bear.

Though eagle pinions tire,

I walk where once I ran, This is

my strength to know

I cannot, but He can.

I see not, but God sees;

Oh, all sufficient light!

My dark and hidden way

To Him is always bright.

My strained and peering eyes

May close in restful ease,

And I in peace may sleep;

I see not, but He sees.

-Annie Johnson Flint 1866-1932

A New Heart Create in Me

First Friday of Lent... Pizza on the menu (typical but easy) and the kids are over the moon. Sadly, they could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I used to make my own pizza and I'm thinking I really need to start to get back into doing that!  While I look up good pizza recipes I will leave you with a little something to chew on for the weekend.

Dad did reflections for Share the Word, a publication through the Paulist's in Washington D.C.  He did this for a few years and of course he saved all of them.  

Here is the reflection from March 10, 2000, based off of the readings for that day.  I love the image of placing our hearts on the altar -- WOW! 

Friday, March 10, 2000

Isaiah 58:1-9a ~ Psalm 51:3-6, 18-19 ~ Matthew 9:14-15

“My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit; a heart contrite and humbled you will not spurn.”  Psalm 51:19

Whenever the Offertory Procession at Mass passes by the pew where I am sitting I imagine myself hopping onto the gifts being brought to the altar.  I offer my heart.  At times it seems so puny, so constricted as compared to the heart of God.  It is a heart that can let so little of God’s love in.  It is a heart that can let out so little love to others.  As the bread and wine are offered in sacrifice, I want my heart to be placed on the altar.  These simple elements are transformed by the action of the Holy Spirit into the very life of Christ.  I know God will not spurn my heart which I want to be transformed so that it beats with all the intensity of Christ’s Sacred Heart.

Show me, God, how my heart needs to be unblocked.  Begin to transform my heart so that it is more like yours.

Twelve Things to Give Up for Lent

Oh the age old question, "what are you giving up?"  I have been talking about this very thing with my five year old for the last couple of days.  This is the first year I am asking her to think about ways she can sacrifice through Lent.  I found some really great ideas for Lent and kids on Catholic Icing's blog.  I love the idea of the Lent Box.  Although I am not sure if she likes it as much as I do!

I have to say now that I am an adult I don't really like talking about all the things I want or am going to try to give up.  To me, I feel as though it is a private thing really special just between me and the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is a "sin" to talk about but I feel that the "whatcha givin' up?" chat almost makes it feel like a chore and just another thing we have to do...

To read a funny and slightly irreverent article I read in last February's Boston Globe Magazine about this very subject -- the "joys of Lent" -- read this article by Jennifer Graham.  I think it actually makes a good point that even if you are not Christian that a healthy dose of sacrifice can do a person some good.

As much as I don't exactly jump up and down shouting with great excitement to sacrifice some of my favorite things during Lent I know that in the midst of it I am strengthened by it, pruned so to speak, and able to give back with gratitude in a SMALL way for the HUGE way Jesus gave of His life for you and me.

And then there is Dad's list...
I found this tucked away in yet another folder.
If you feel that giving up chocolate is well, a little redundant then take a stab at this list.

Twelve Things to Give Up for Lent 
1. Having to have the last word.
2. Taking those you love for granted.
3. Worrying about things you cannot change or control.
4. Losing your temper.
5. Trying to be a perfectionist.
6. Patronizing people who work for or with you.
7. Complaining.
8. Carrying grudges.
9. Expecting to be bored by any and all sermons.
10. Nagging.
11. Thinking about money.
12. Feeling sorry for yourself.

A New Role

I woke up to my alarm buzzing at 6am this morning. I am NOTORIOUS for pressing the snooze button. But today I could not press it more than twice. I had to be up and out the door, make sure the kids were settled with their Grammy before I went to go lector at the 7:30am mass at St. Edward the Confessor parish here in Medfield. This is only my second time lectoring. A role that I never really thought about doing but somehow I am now going to be on the regular schedule.

Dad was the lector in the family, not me. A couple of weeks after Dad's death I was looking on the fridge of chaos and tucked away behind a pile of child masterpieces, photos, magnets, and the calender was a schedule for lectors at St. Edward's. Dad was an incredible speaker as many of you know and I think that in my opinion, albeit a biased one, feel that Dad was one of the best lectors out there.

Dad still had two times left to lector on the schedule. It felt weird thinking of someone just taking his spot. I called the church immediately, almost without even thinking, and said that this was David Thorp's daughter and I wanted to take his spot reading on the two dates he had left. They agreed and there I was, on February 5th, reading the scripture passages that Dad was supposed to be reading, standing in the spot Dad was supposed to be standing, receiving the Body and Blood of Christ that Dad was supposed to be receiving. It was hard and very emotional for me but I left feeling a sense of peace and purpose. I think that one of my prayers since Dad's death is this -- Lord, show me how to share of Your Light in the midst of darkness the way Dad did for so many, including me! And how quickly He answers.

Today, wasn't as emotional. Maybe it is because now it felt more like this was my role. It wasn't me "subbing" for Dad anymore. This was now my "job" and am humbled and grateful that I can now carry on this small torch for Dad.

Found this in one of Dad's saved files from 2007. It is a quotation from St. David of Wales. I am reminded by it that we are all called to do the little things... how pleasing those "little things" are in the sight of God. I have to really try to remember that when I am about ready to pull my hair out with the kids and feel I have nothing left to give!

          Be joyful, and keep your faith and your creed.

          Do the little things [Gwnewch y pethau bychain]

          that you have seen me do and heard about.

          I will walk the path that our fathers have trod before us.

          Dewi Sant [St. David of Wales]

          In a sermon the Sunday before he died

The First of Many

I never thought I would be a "blog gal" but here I am feeling like this is exactly where I should be.

As the weeks after my Dad's, David Thorp, death I find myself still in a bit of disbelief. I have constant dreams about him being "back" and running to hug him and everything being okay. As it has been said to me, "that's just a normal part of grieving."

I haven't fallen apart completely yet. Yes, I am sad and yes, there are MANY days I wish I could just be alone to deal with the mound of pain but I have responsibilities as all people do for me it comes in the form of two very active, vibrant and did I say beautiful girls. Two girls who deserve and need me to care and love them.  But it is really hard to be totally present when your aches the way all of ours does right now.

Dad, as many of you know was EXTREMELY organized. Late one night, while on the computer distracting myself from thinking about "anything," I started to fish around the files saved on the external hard drive. So, I went a fishin.' And did I get a whopper! Dad saved EVERYTHING! He had files that he converted in his "floppies" folder that were back from 1987, etc. And that is just one folder! I can't even begin to tell you the endless amounts of files from talks, bible reflections, letters he wrote, etc. It goes on and on. I have only begun to skim the surface but what I have read has given me new insights into who Dad was. It has helped me to see Dad as not just my Dad, but as a person who truly lived his life to share of God's unceasing love for us. These files are the greatest treasure I could ever receive and I am praising the Lord for them.

My hope in creating this blog is that it will be a place to share my own thoughts, share some of Dad's thoughts, and give a space for you all to share yours too. I hope that this blog with give you the peace that it gives me in writing it.

Oh, and the title... you might be wondering about that? Dad started doing more talks and people kept on asking him if he had a name for his "ministry." He decided to call it New Springtime Ministry. He felt and I know still does that this is the springtime for the Catholic Church. And being of the same mind I felt it only fitting it remain deeply rooted in the hope of Spring after what has been a long winter.